Funny quotes of the day worth laughing over is the best funny quotes to help you lighten the mood and excellent for breaking the ice, and of course, they’re fun to share with friends.
In this list of 100+ funny quotes of the day worth laughing over , we have collected some of the best Funny quotes about life, love, and friendship — those that we can relate to — are especially comical. whether it’s an insightful quotation, a silly saying, or an ironic wisecrack. so please enjoy and of course don’t forget to share with your friends and let them have a good, hearty laugh too.
Funny Quotes of the day worth Laughing over
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. – Demitri Martin
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?
I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say “you’re next”. So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said “you’re next”.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Too much agreement kills a chat. – Eldridge Cleaver
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.-Ron White
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.-Isaac Asimov
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.-Albert Einstein
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Anonymous
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
We hope you have enjoyed our selected funny quotes of the day worth laughing over. enjoy sharing these hilarious quotes with your friends and beloved ones. have a great inspiring day.
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